Murdoch Lamarche

Coverage of Beach Sloth’s Coverage of My Coverage of Beach Sloth’s Coverage of My Coverage of Beach Sloth’s Coverage of My Coverage of Beach Sloth’s Coverage of My Coverage of Beach Sloth’s Coverage of My Coverage of Beach Sloth’s Coverage of My Coverage of Beach Sloth’s Coverage of My Coverage of Beach Sloth’s Coverage of My Coverage of Beach Sloth’s Coverage of ‘2AM Interview: Buttercup and LK’

Attention Australian: Beach Sloth now owns your country. Australia is the world’s leading exporter of terrifying animals that want to kill you. As a supervillain, obviously, I approve of Australia’s endeavor to become the world’s #1 Most Metal Continent, but I’m letting Beach Sloth have it. Australian zoology guides are actually just rebranded D&D monster manuals. Unfortunately for the insane people that willingly live there, I will be taking all of your terrorbeasts. I don’t want any of them endangering The Sloth. He’s slow. I don’t want any of your six-headed knife-breathing chipmunks catching him. [The six-headed knife-breathing chipmunk is a real thing, right? Wikipedia says so.]

I feel a deep compulsion to help dead computers. Computers don’t judge. I just googled ‘why does this cough drop taste like a dead hobo soaked in lemon Pine Sol?’ and the computer I’m using didn’t say a word in protest. [I’m coming down with something. I don’t want to be an alarmist or anything, but it’s probably sloth flu. I’m a walking/floating pandemic.] Beach Sloth has a grudge against smartphones. I can understand where he’s coming from. My ‘smart’phone has crashed numerous times when I needed it. [to listen to bubblegum dance-pop] Dead smartphones definitely don’t belong in the Horsehead Nebula. My first thought is the Crab Nebula. It doesn’t look like a crab. Smartphones aren’t actually smart. But I’m open to suggestions.

The 80’s happened. Everyone agrees. Most alt litters weren’t around for the 80’s, and if they were alive, they probably weren’t aware of it. But that’s ok. ‘Miami’ Beach Sloth was there. He experienced the 80’s hard enough for everyone. Baltimore may be America’s most indifferent city, but Miami is the America’s most 80’s city. That’s an empirical fact. I did the research so you didn’t have to.

Beach Sloth and I, we get it. We ‘get’ music. I’m a supervillain that occasionally vacations as a ghost. He’s an internet sloth that blogs about music. If any two people are in a position to say something about music, it’s us. Our official opinion on music? It’s pretty cool. If I’m ever blogging, unseen, from inside your house, obey the sloth and put on some ‘chill tunes.’ If you hear three moans followed by two knocks, put on something more upbeat and weird. Maybe some Tipper or Opiou. Your house will get really weird, really fast, and I may even teach you how to ghost.

Stephen Michael McDowell dropped ‘I Liked a Lot of Music in 2009 but Apparently Didn’t Like Myself’ the other day. I opened it last night expecting the typical 10-30 pages, but, no. Stephen doesn’t believe in the typical. It’s 89 pages. It’s even more hefty than Meat Confetti VOL 1 and it was written by one [wonderful] person. I’ve only read a bit of it so far, but I can assure you that at one point Stephen proudly exclaims ‘IT’S FUCKING SHARK WEEK’ with no context. Does a statement like that need context? Hell no. Do you need to check this out? Hell yes. As for LK, she’s finishing up the cabinets in the new Shabby Doll House. I hate waiting for new installments, but I know this one will be great. I think Beach Sloth has another piece in it. He’s an SDH darling.

I have some IRL friends in Baltimore. I may go visit them soon. If I’m up there I may show up behind some Baltimoreans with little to no notice. So for the foreseeable future, everyone one in Baltimore should be on Murdoch watch. It won’t work. No one knows what I look like. But maybe it will calm the people [and rats] of the city. Be warned, Baltimore, you’re about to meet your supervillainy quota for the year.

Beach Sloth boo666ted the Cosmic Parade. Meat Confetti is accepting for an issue of just criticism  [We really want you to be critical of something and send it to us.] And last time I checked, I’m still charming.

Coverage of Beach Sloth’s Coverage of My Coverage of Beach Sloth’s Coverage of My Coverage of Beach Sloth’s Coverage of My Coverage of Beach Sloth’s Coverage of My Coverage of Beach Sloth’s Coverage of My Coverage of Beach Sloth’s Coverage of My Coverage of Beach Sloth’s Coverage of ‘2AM Interview: Buttercup and LK’

Beach Sloth is still breaking his computer in. A new computer is a lot like a puppy, it pisses everywhere when you first bring it home. Thankfully, the new Slothmachine’s shower of liquid gold is lovely [comparing his blog posts to piss, even metaphorically, sounds insulting, but I promise that is not my intention] and at the peak of ‘relevance’. Alt lit has been buzzing with talk of ‘relevance’. As two anonymous internet things, are Beach Sloth and I truly relevant? You bet your ass we are.

External hard drives are the iron lungs of our polio stricken internet personas. If it weren’t for my external drive and Google Drive, I wouldn’t exist online. [In other news, if you want to buy me a computer, I won’t stop you.] Every time an Alt Lit computer dies it lives on in the heart of a nebula.

LK Shaw-nuff was at LITerally UnderGround Sunday. It was game changing. Words were read. Boosts were boosted. Beans were refried. The spreecast was ‘poppin off’. You should check it out. [Full disclosure, I haven’t watched it yet, but knowing the lineup, I don’t hesitate to preemptively call it earth shattering.] Beach Sloth covered it. [he actually watches/reads things before he writes about them.] LK has allegedly met Beach Sloth. Beach Sloth’s physical existence is like reverse Tron. He’s an internet program scanned into the real world. One day, Lucy may get the #rare opportunity to meet me IRL. I’m very scarce. Even more scarce than the Beach. I don’t have impersonators yet. I just introduce myself using different names whenever I talk to people.

Stephen Michael McDowell [Buttercup McGillicuddy in my heart] was also at LITerally UnderGround. It really bums me out that I couldn’t make it, but a supervillain’s work is never done. I had a friend order ‘Treees’ for me recently. I don’t know when it will arrive, but when it does I can guarantee that I will right at least 17 words about it. I can go ahead and speculate on what a few of those words will be. ‘Damn’ ‘Miraculous’ ‘Seriously’ ‘Unexpected’ ‘Can’t’ ‘Stop’ ‘The’ ‘Tears’ ‘Of’ ‘Joy’ ‘Life’ ‘Is’ ‘Beautiful’ Thanks Stephen. [From the future]

The UK/US genre war is still going strong. The US needs to create some completely original genres. You can do it Americans. I believe in you. I live in all of America right now [I won’t say where I’m originally from {Hint: it’s the moon}] I guess some of the new genre burden is on me, but unfortunately for music fans everywhere, I was recently bitten by a mosquito and I’m scratching my leg with my toes. Ball’s in your court, Americans.

This blog will never ever end. Beach Sloth even wrote a song about it. But in Murdoch news, Meat Confetti is actively accepting for VOL2 and a volume of criticism. And Moon Temple and I have started the Alt Lit Sci-Fi publication Cosmic Parade and it’s accepting your sub-missions right now.

[INCOMPLETE] LIST OF CONTRIBUTOR NAMES/LINKS

murooned

• murooned.tumblr.com

Freke Räihä

• http://anatematisk.blogspot.com/
• http://anatematisk.wordpress.com/ (eng.)
• http://anatematiskpress.blogspot.com/
• http://www.tidningenkulturen.se/
• http://kompassros.wordpress.com/

FEÖZSZ ZSZEÖF

• http://bicycleklub.tumblr.com/

Ben Abraham

• http://iam.benabraham.net/

neon glittery

• http://neonglittery.com/

alphahesher

• http://alphahesher.tumblr.com/

Eric Prewitt

• http://psychedelichorseshitpublishing.tu…
• http://twitter.com/davidbowiecat
• http://reviewtheearth.tumblr.com/
• http://beautifuluniversemasterchampionz….

Reginald Reginald

• http://reginaldreginald.tumblr.com/

Heiko Julien

• http://spookycheddar.com
• http://dopestzone.net

Penny Goring

Sarah Edwards

• http://artwordscribble.blogspot.ca/

Shane Jesse Christmass

• http://luparapublishing.blogspot.com/
• http://queenvicknives.blogspot.com/

Blank White

• http://nyquilchug.blogspot.com/

• http://www.myspace.com/ironicmoniker

Jesus Moseshttp://www.tumblr.com/new/text

• unspecializeart.tumblr.com.

Austin Kieler

• takesomechillpills.tumblr.com

Beach Sloth

• beachsloth.blogspot.com

Yumbo Tuff

• http://soundcloud.com/yumbo-tuff

Lollichops

• http://www.facebook.com/Neel.Madhavan.does.not.poop

Jonsy Chewy

• jonsychewy.com

William Fishback

Chris Dankland

• http://neatomosquitoaltlitfireworksshow.tumblr.com/

• http://dankland.blogspot.com/

Samantha Church

Ascidian S. Kambeck

John Thomas Menesini

Heath Ison

• The GENESIS of USELESSNESS

Austin Islam

• http://liveandlearntotell.tumblr.com

Moon Temple

• moontempleuniverse.tumblr.com

Samwise Bateman

• http://motelnmh.tumblr.com

Moon Tzu

• http://moon-tzu.tumblr.com/

• http://planetaryebooks.tumblr.com/

• http://husmw2.tumblr.com/moontzu

DeMisty Bellinger

• http://writreadsaid.tumblr.com

Scott Lewis

• http://goingtroppo.tumblr.com/

Lee Petray

• http://negativetype.tumblr.com/

Megan Lent

• https://twitter.com/baeconlent

Coverage of Beach Sloth’s Coverage of My Coverage of Beach Sloth’s Coverage of My Coverage of Beach Sloth’s Coverage of My Coverage of Beach Sloth’s Coverage of My Coverage of Beach Sloth’s Coverage of ‘2AM Interview: Buttercup and LK’

Beach Sloth gave me a mega-boost last time I was in Brooklyn. I was trapped between humanity and ghost-y-ness, the only solution being a cigarette, and the sloth came through. I don’t even think Beach Sloth smokes, but he’s always carries cigarettes around with him in the event that some supervillain in an altered state requires one. He’s a good guy. And these were good cigarettes. We’re not talking about Mavericks. Beach Sloth had Parliaments on tap. Beach Sloth keeps it classy. [Overpriced = Classy] Thank You Beach Sloth

George W. Bush II is causing a lot of people stress these days. Not me. He might be an asshole, but I’ve gotta give his lineage credit. The Bushes are rolling deep in some old school villainy, and if Dick “The Machine” Cheney doesn’t have a lair on a volcanic island, I don’t understand the world any more. Beach is right, I will provide everyone with a Buick Le Sabre once I take over. The Le Sabres will be white and come with a free pair of fuzzy dice and personalized airbrushed license plate. [I know a guy that works at a carnival]

[Okay, not so much ‘works’ as ‘hangs out behind the Ferris wheel taking grainy, candid pictures of grown men holding funnel cakes.’ But that’s his calling, who am I to argue with that? I was called to supervillainy. Regardless of his fondness for man-on-funnel cake action, guy can get me the hook up on airbrushing]

Little Danson Man. Ted ‘Bridge’ Danson III. I didn’t make that up. Ted Danson’s middle name really is ‘Bridge’. Or maybe that’s his underground streetfighting name. The Bridge is bringing the beatdown. I pledge that once I’m supreme overlord, I will bring ‘Bored to Death’ back. Not just in 8 episode season. The new, revamped ‘Bored to Death will broadcast new episodes every weekday, all year long. Soap opera style. You might worry that daily ‘Bored to Death’ episodes will make the show get a little stale. Well shut up, I’ve got the finer points of this plan worked out. It will be ‘fresh to death.’

LK Shaw, our landlady at the Shabby Doll house, released a new little ebook ‘Measure my waist with a Measuring Tape in a car park on a hot day (and I will try not to write a poem about it)’. I really loved this book. You should soak it in. Like an anthropomorphic sponge hungry for quirky poetry ebooks by Canadians with English accents. That’s an oddly specific need, and it doesn’t get addressed much, but LK is here to fix it, you lovely little sponge-people.

Buttercup is one of the nicest people I’ve ever met via internet. He’s found the secret to being nice. Don’t Give A Fuck. He’s turned that secret into an entire philosophy, DGAFISM. It might sound too elaborate to even begin to understand, but Buttercup has a nifty little guidebook to help you on your journey to end all of your fuck giving. I heard he’s branching out to selling the book and information packet [a $600 value] for $19.95 through 4AM infomercials on basic cable. But you’re ahead of the curb, you can get this book [a $600 value] for free thanks to the magical goodwill of Buttercup.
           
Beach Sloth submitted something to my unholy baby, MΣΔ✞ CΘNFΣ✞✞I. I had this baby with 2 other bizarro freeks. I can’t give too much away, but Beach Sloth’s submission might have just gone and changed the game up. You could be a part of this. Send something to us. We want your [anything you made]. And, yes, it will be stomach-turningly weird. Beach Sloth and I can promise you that.

[And, Beach Sloth, your bling is straight off-season, bruuuh]

Coverage of Beach Sloth’s Coverage of My Coverage of Beach Sloth’s Coverage of My Coverage of Beach Sloth’s Coverage of My Coverage of Beach Sloth’s coverage of ‘2AM Interview: Buttercup and LK’

Beach Sloth had a big weekend. He had a birthday and a party based on that birthday. The party shook the earth. Brooklyn will never be the same. Brooklyn has seen just how party a sloth can get. Beach Sloth set the partying standard for all future sloths. Maybe his kids will pick up his party legacy. There’s still hope. I believe in the Beach Kids.

My rule of the world is highly anticipated. I’ve hired Beach Sloth as my official hypeman. He’s working the internet, getting the crowd pumped, waiting for the overthrow. George W. Bush II is an ass. Don’t trust him. If he’s ever on a ballot, and, unsure on which candidate to pick, you considering giving him your vote, don’t. Write in Murdoch LaMarche. Election may not be my ideal method of gaining control of the masses, but you’ve gotta work with what you’ve got. But that’s only a last resort.

Ted Danson is a great guy. I might give him a position in my cabinet of villainy. Have you seen him on CSI? He’s hilarious. I’m not a CSI fan, but I watch it just to see Teddy Dans. Bored to Death was good, too.  Beach Sloth and I have eerily similar taste. If I wasn’t aware of my true identity, I might think that I am Tyler Durden to Beach Sloth’s Edward Norton. He’d definitely be Edward Norton in this scenario. They’re both good guys. I’m definitely giving off more of the Tyler Durden vibe. Sure I’m a supervillain, but I can still use my villainy to help people. Not the standard M.O. of villains, but I’ll defy a convention. Breakin’ rules. That’s what being a supervillain is about. Seriously, how great would Ted Danson have been as every character in Fight Club. Really great. That’s how great.

Buttercup, LK, Beach Sloth and I are all in the newest Shabby Doll House. It’s pretty groundbreaking, and I feel qualified to make such a statement; I’m a shabby doll. Beach Sloth even covered it on his world renowned blogspot. I won’t get into all the dirty details, but this edition has bodies, sporks, drugs, gay porn, and New York on deck. That’s some high quality subject matter. (The illustrations are fantastic too)

Buttercup had to take a break from fighting the chili to make hypnotizing gifs to go along with his piece. They’re highly effective. He wiggled his way into my subconscious and convinced me to send him $5 to buy more cigarettes. Bcup and I are both avid cigarette consumers. We like to eat while we smoke because we are the Kings of Trash. Buttercup has been quoted admitting that his ideal state would be “colors-of-benetton-american-apparel-and-vintage-leather-only ‘dress really nice’ and like, idk some really expensive italian glasses but eating like cookie monster and smoking like a hooker in the 60s.” That’s the dream, Buttercup. That’s the dream.

Toronto is a city. I’ve never been there. I hear it’s ‘bustling’ ‘innocuous’ ‘Canadian’ and ‘a destination.’ All of those make Toronto seem like a wonderful city. But LK Shaw had to head to New York. She’s very busy. She’s getting her skrilla up. Other Canadians are ‘hatin’ because LK, as she puts it, ‘stacks paper to the ceiling and floats on 20” chrome.’ Rooms in the Shabby Doll House aren’t free. Some people pay in words, others help finance all those paper stacks and chrome. LK played songs for Beach Sloth at his birthday bash. They were beautiful. I wish I could admit whether or not I was there to witness them firsthand.

Did you miss Beach’s birthday bash? You know what would make up for it? Buying ‘I Want to YouTube Down the Rivers of America’ for the low, low price of $9. Beach Sloth lives in increments of $9. All sloths do. That’s just how they get down. But, sometimes, $9 just isn’t enough. The man has sloth-kids to feed. Buy his shirts. And while you’re throwing out free money, give some to Buttercup and LK. I may be a supervillain, but I’m a supervillain with a heart of gold. I am ‘The Super Boost Villain.’

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Velocitractor Beauregard, Feözsz Zszöef, and I are MΣΔ✞ CΘNFΣ✞✞I. We’re accepting submissions for the first issue through August 31. Full call for submissions is here. Get weird.
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