Murdoch Lamarche

Coverage of Beach Sloth’s Coverage of My Coverage of Beach Sloth’s coverage of ‘2AM Interview: Buttercup and LK’

Beach Sloth and I are both firm believers in the power of online anonymity. But Beach Sloth has a slightly less rigid adherence to its tenets. I am a cyberghost. I exist in the kerning of alt lit. No one has ever seen Murdoch LaMarche in person. Someday in the future someone most likely will. Anything that can happen probably will happen. A private investigator could probably unearth my true identity, and one brave soul has set up a fund to hire one to get to the bottom of this. His name is Beach Sloth and if you make a nominal donation to the “Find Murdoch’s True Identity Fund” via paypal, he’ll send you a copy of his lovely chapbook. He has assured me that all proceeds are going to this worthy cause. (None of that is necessarily “true”, but you should buy his book anyway.)

But this is not a manifesto about my most secret of identities or a fundraising drive, this is coverage of Beach Sloth’s coverage of my coverage of Beach Sloth’s coverage of “2AM Interview: Buttercup and LK”. Beach Sloth was glum regarding his lack of online coverage, and I, being his confederate in confidentiality, sensed his chagrin, and filled that void. In addition to ‘I want to YouTube down the Rivers of America’  devouring his time and energy, Beach Sloth is far too humble to write something as self-serving as coverage of himself. Despite my general goals of supervillainy, I saw a golden opportunity to kick him a little boost.

Alt lit is in dire need of accents. Accents breed legitimacy. Alt lit’s in the process of acquiring a wider array of accents, including Mongolian. The Mongolians are working on their cementing their national brand right now, but that’ll be done soon. Prepare yourselves for an onslaught of Mongolian chapbooks.

Currently there is hearsay that Buttercup is amassing an army to overthrow the chokehold chili has on humanity. Buttercup is a very busy man. It’s not easy having to explain the origin of your name to every person you’re introduced to, but Buttercup rises to the challenge. With so many conflicting explanations for this name floating around it’s hard to determine which is true. Well I followed the leads, I called in some favors to a few dirty cops, and I got to the bottom of this mystery. Now, please remember, this information is strictly on the “DL” but before become the internet phenom he is today, Mr. McGillicuddy was a member of the crime-fighting trio The Powerpuff Girls. Along with his sisters, Blossom and Bubbles, Buttercup dished out the ass kicking daily. Buttercup had a split with the other Powerpuffs due to creative differences, and completely rebranded himself, but kept his name so he would never forget his Powerpuff roots. Powerpuff roots are the strongest kind fo roots.

LK Shaw has her own dark hidden past. After her long run as the star of I Love Lucy, she went into the rap game. Yes, that’s right. The LK actually stands for Lil Kim. Shaw is obviously short for Shawty. But like Buttercup, the game got to be too much so she fled the spotlight and rebranded. LK and Buttercup are masters of rebranding. Was LK involved in killing Biggie? Probably. I’m not saying she pulled the trigger necessarily, but…she probably did. I cashed out on favors with dirty cops investigating Buttercup, so I couldn’t dig deeper into this conspiracy, but I’m certain the evidence is there. Somewhere.

Miller High Life is the Champagne of Beers. Alt lit is the Champagne of Literature. Next time you’re reading some alt lit, break out a 40 of the High Life and you’ll truly be living the high lief. But remember to pour some out and shed a single tear for all the cockboys Steve Roggenbuck has lost while on his quest to LIVE MY [miller high] LIEF.

Alt lit is full of URL anthropomorphic creatures. Contrary to popular belief I am not an anthropomorphized creature capable of using the internet. I am a supervillain. The gazelle is pure misdirection. The wide array of nonhuman URL presences keeps things interesting. Beach Sloth calls out Sea Cheetah. Recently rumors in the alt lit circles have been circulating of a pay-per view death match between these two nemeses. My money’s on the Sloth. I forsee a Tortoise&Hare/Ali&Foreman crossover with Beach Sloth riding the slow and steady ropeadope train to victory junction, all the while protected by the armor of his Twitter ratio.

Coverage of Beach Sloth’s Coverage of “2AM Interview: Buttercup and LK”

Beach Sloth [here] [here] [here] [here] is unbelievably prolific. His output is impressive by human standards, but it’s especially impressive considering he’s a sloth. Sloths are notoriously slow, but Beach Sloth bucks that stereotype with fervency. If it’s an important happening within the alt lit world, the Sloth will be there with coverage of it. But, unfortunately, poor Beach Sloth is so busy covering everyone else, he does not get much of that coverage for himself. Sloths are notorious for their lack of self-indulgent coverage.

Recently, Beach Sloth covered an interview of Buttercup McGillicuddy by LK Shaw (which also turns into an interview of LK Shaw by Buttercup McGillicuddy.)This interview is a bit of a beast. Beach Sloth begins his coverage referencing summer being the ideal time for harvesting the delicious interview fruits. Like all good things related to alt lit, this takes place URL. Beach Sloth is an avid advocate of the G chat interview, even going so far as to imply that any roof that has ever been raised was a direct result of G chat. Every dance in the 90s was at some point influenced by the time spanning power of G chat.

Buttercup and LK are adored by Beachy. He’s only met Buttercup once IRL, but that was enough to leave a lasting impression on his sloth heart. He hopes to meet LK, and expand upon his limited knowledge of her. He may not know much about her, but he does know the most important piece of information about anyone from another place in the world. Novelty accents. LK Shaw was put on earth to ‘class up’ the alt lit game with her English accent.

Chili is a very important subject in this interview/coverage. Most chili of unknown origin is more than likely an escapee from Satan’s kitchen. Satan has enriched his chili with the powers to skip out on subway fare and stop the hearts of lesser men, but Buttercup is resilient. He pushes through the devil’s attacks and carries on the interview. Beach Sloth is very worried about the current war on humanity waged by chili. But with Buttercup leading the resistance humanity will soldier on.

Futons are the mark of any true artist. Rumor has it that even I sleep on a futon from time to time. Veganism is discussed, but not in the typical condescending fashion. LK is too classy for that. Buttercup needs dairy products. Without them he’d just be a cup, and there would be no opportunity for the inebriated to sing “Build Me Up Buttercup” to him. “Build Me Up Cup” just doesn’t have the same razzamatazz. Beach Sloth fishes, but unlike [Butter]Cup, he only fishes for compliments. I think you’ve hooked one Beachy, you’re a solitary diamond in a field of broken Miller High Life bottles.

The movie-making skills of Buttercup enthrall Beach Sloth. He even had a cameo in “Dead Midgets” as “random shirtless dude #18”. Of all the random shirtless dudes, Beach Sloth really brought the qualities of being “random” “shirtless” and a “dude” to life. When award season for double-digit cameos by alt lit sloth writers comes around, be sure to look out for Beachy. If he gets stiffed this year I’m staging a boycott of all future Double Digie ceremonies.

The coverage turns to the slightly macabre as Beach Sloth wonders about the post-life life of his URL presence. He thinks his online presence is his best quality. Having never met him IRL, I am forced to assume that this is true. If his children are unwilling or unable to maintain his presence in his post-life future, I would be more than happy to pick up the sloth torch. Beach Sloth has mentioned in the past his disdain for his children’s online presence and their affinity for tagging every tweet #kidzbop. I am wholeheartedly ambivalent about a #kidzbop saturated post-life Beach Sloth. But my offer still stands to pick up the mantle of the sloth.

The coverage stands in stark contrast to the unedited feel of the original interview. It is potentially life-changing. And if your life is so flippant that coverage of a G Chat interview between two alt lit minds by an alt lit sloth changes it, let’s be friends. I may be a supervillain, but I’m also a superfriend.

So, for you, sitting at the laptop, wondering what direction your life could possibly go in after reading the Buttercup/LK interview, allow me to suggest the extravagant afterparty that is Beach Sloth’s coverage.

(Note: Murdoch LaMarche is in no way affiliated with the superhero clique known as The Superfriends)