Coverage of Beach Sloth’s Coverage of My Coverage of Beach Sloth’s Coverage of My Coverage of Beach Sloth’s coverage of ‘2AM Interview: Buttercup and LK’
Beach Sloth. He is in the process of financing his third eye. Third eyes are expensive. This third eye serves many purposes. Primarily it’s used for keeping up with alt lit, but lately it’s been dedicated to unscrambling the puzzle that is my true identity. He and I are true ‘bros.’ Riffin’. You up for some reggae tonight, bro? Beach Sloth is.
The end of the world doesn’t concern Beach Sloth. He’s prepared. He’s got an iPod loaded with his ‘Armageddon It On 2012’ playlist. Through my underworld/shadow government connections, I’ve gotten a sneak peak at this magnificent playlist, and let me just say ‘wow.’ It’s a metaphysical journey. Is it autonomous? Is it transcendent? You bet it is. If I weren’t playing the long world domination game, I’d kick off the apocalypse right now, just to blast this playlist into the ear holes of every creature on earth. And I already know their response, they’d scream in unison, ‘Holy cocksucking Christ! My face is literally melting off of my skull, but Beach Sloth picked out some damn fine tunes for this occasion.’
Mongolians. Charles Bronson (the actor) was Mongolian. I don’t think that’s true, but I just watched Bronson, and they called him Mongolian. If you haven’t seen it, watch it and you’ll get a pretty clear idea of what I believe the Mongolian infiltration of alt lit will be like via Charlie Bronson’s (the prisoner) rampage.Will it include diehard dedication to novelty mustaches, nude fighting, and psychotic monologues? I sure hope so. Seriously, watch Bronson. I know I’m a little late on the Bronson Bus, but I just came off surviving The Dark Knight Rises, and I’m deeply in obsession with Tom Hardy.
My love for Tom Hardy aside, this chili situation really must be resolved. Buttercup needs your money. He’s too polite and busy indiscriminately punching bowls of chili to ask, so Beach Sloth and I are asking for him. Chili is serious business. I once watched a swarm of chili rise up out of its bowl and devour an entire family and their minivan. Chili will chase you and your loved ones through the street. Chili: it’s wild in the streets (runnin’ runnin’). Chili knows no fear. Buttercup is here to give chili a lesson in fear.
LK Shaw may have a milkshake that brings all the boys (even the vegans) to her yard, and majestic landscaping that keeps them there, but her greatest accomplishment yet was her acoustic collaboration with a wild raccoon. That’s the kind of musical genius that can only come out of Canada. Raccoons are known throughout Canada for their righteous, face-melting chops. LK is truly ahead of her time. The world needs more alt lit lady/nature’s bandit jams.
LK’s beautifully maintained yard sits in front of her shabby doll house. This is no ordinary doll house. It’s full of those weirdo alt lit types. Residence in the SDH is another thing that binds Beach Sloth and me. He’s been holding it down there for a hot minute, and I’m moving in on July 31st, and I’m bringing a cabal of incredible (and much more talented/interesting) people with me. Check that shit out, son.
I gave Beach Sloth some of the inside ‘deets’ on my grand scheme. This is highly hush hush, but I trust the Sloth. Put your faith in the Sloth, he will never betray you nor forsake you. Thank You, Beach Sloth. And, yes, I am working on ‘stepping up my online game’ but I’ve been busy setting up sleeper cells throughout most of Eurasia. But the URL game will be stepped up. And that’s a supervillain promise.
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This weekend is Beach Sloth’s birthday bash! There’s going to be a life-changing party.
8PM. Saturday. July 28. 2012. The rooftop. 345 Eldert Street. Brooklyn. New York. USA. Earth.
All those crazy alt lit kids will be there. You should be there too. Wish Ol’ Beachy a happy 39th. Will I be there? Maybe. Anything is possible. Will you see me? Probably not. I’ll be in disguise, in the shadows. Watching. Plotting. Birthday Bashin’.